Michael Grimes

"They don't sell crisps. Or nuts. As the barmaid whispered to me, 'What sort of pub doesn't sell crisps?'"

"Coach numbers are written on the platform floor and not on the train."

"The light in the men's toilet switches on automatically, but it takes a few seconds."

"Nicest, most helpful staff I've ever met in a Birmingham shoe shop."

"Ignore the store guides. They may have been accurate once, but not anymore."

"The code (today, at least) is C4678"